Cavalier Christmas Carol


By Kathy McManus – 1973


‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the hall
Not a Cavalier was stirring ‘cause they’d gone to the Mall
Report cards were hung by the office with tears
In hopes that bad grades would arouse all their fears

The teachers were nestled all snug in their beds
Miss Kirk and Miss Kaney had hung up their Keds
And Hrezo in P.J.’s and Vest cooking steak
They had just settled in for a long Christmas break

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
They sprang from the table upsetting their platter
Away to the window they flew in a flash
Tripped over Nurse Cavas and fell on their ass

The moon on the sides of the beer cans below
Gave a luster like lip gloss with a Bonne Bell glow
When what to their nearsighted eyes soon appears
But a broken-down van and some crazed Cavaliers

With a muscle-bound driver so lively and tan
They knew in an instant he must be Jon Mann
More quickly than rockets his tattered gang came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

“Now Shwedick, now Layton, now Stafford you vixen
On Driscoll on Greco, hey where is Bob Dixon?
To the top of the porch, to the beam of a light
Now hurry up people, we ‘aint got all night!

And then in an instant they heard them all land
As Billy the Clueless started leading the band
As they drew in their faces and called for a cop
Down the chimney the Cavaliers started to drop

They were dressed in bell bottoms with patches of red
And looked like some roadies for the group Grateful Dead
A huge case of Boone’s Farm they placed on the floor
Having just come from Raymond’s to make the big score

Their eyes slightly reddened, their stomachs quite quesy
‘Cause hauling their load was not so damn easy
Poor Kathy she fainted from lack of her dinner
But reasoned it helpful to make her look thinner

The stump of a pipe that held their tobacky
Was smokin’ and burnin’ and making them wacky
They had Breck-shampooed hair and some they wore braces
While others looked ghostly with Clearasil faces

Hrezo and Vest had their necks all a ‘cranin
Told Whit, Poe and Power they better start ‘splainin
They put down their bundles and started to beg
“If you change all our grades we’ll buy you a keg”

Well what could they do?  What could they say?
Their crying and begging were making them gray
“Oh well, guess we’ll change them, you’ve shown so much charm
Now get out of this house, but leave the Boones Farm!”

Merry Christmas Everyone